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inflated job titles - The W1nners' Club

Do you ever feel that you should be selling yourself a bit more? Whether it’s meeting beautiful strangers at a speed dating event or completing your resume when applying for a new job, sometimes the facts of what you do for a living aren’t enough to project the correct image to your audience.

Occasionally, and with a touch of lexical jiggery-pokery, it’s necessary to turn things up a notch and present your mundane job as a high-powered sounding position without necessarily being factually incorrect.

Alternatively, you may just be getting unwelcome attention from a sleazy stranger at the bar who is clearly telling you porkies about what he or she does for a living and you may want to catch them out.

Either way, here is a list of glamorous sounding job positions and what they actually mean in plain English:

1.    Domestic Equipment Maintenance Engineer

Dishwasher - The W1nners' Club

Most of the work that domestic equipment maintenance engineers do is spent working with chemicals, principally: anionic surfactants and disinfectants. The key part of the operational process is the preparation stage which requires the disposal of waste materials before the main treatment can be applied effectively.

In plain English: Dishwasher

 

2.    Automotive Topographical Solutions Consultant

Black Cab - The W1nners' Club

It’s a career that takes several years to develop the necessary geo-locationary skills required to perform the role. A keen awareness of current affairs often proves useful when conversing with clients prior to the disbursement of funds at the end of a transportation, and whilst the conversational element of the job doesn’t require a significant level of knowledge in any given subject, it does need to be of a type that manifests itself as an overall disdain for the incumbent government’s recent record on controlling immigration. Inebriated clients or ones that are prone to auto-fenestration from the vehicle without submitting payment are the main hazards of the position.

In plain English: Taxi driver

 

3.    Gastronomical Content Designer

Chef - The W1nners' Club

This job is primarily concerned with the collation of culinary materials for the creation of nutritional end products. The average working day often begins in the early morning and can often continue until late at night depending on the sector of the market the designer works in. Sometimes working as an adjunct to the entertainment industry, various Gastronomical Content Designers have become household names as a result of TV appearances, however the majority tend to spend their careers constructing more ‘populist’ consumable sustenance such as oil-heated poultry embryo and thermodynamically prepared root vegetable (sometimes referred to by its colloquial name ‘egg and chips’).

In plain English: Chef

 

4.    Common Law and Statutory Transgression Rectifier

Police

The common law and statutory transgression rectifier is the very keystone of the legal system and are charged with the power to enforce the law of the land as laid down by parliament and the courts. The majority of their time is spent managing some of the less conformist elements of the populace and ensuring they are appropriately apprehended when deemed not to be following the rules to the standards required for a fully functioning civic society.

In plain English: Police Officer

 

5.    Physical Communication Distribution Executive

Postman - The W1nners' Club

The role is steeped in tradition dating as far back as 1516 when the physical communication distribution industry was first established by Henry VIII. Physical communication distribution executives are by their very nature well-tuned to an ‘al fresco’ work environment. Most can be heard whistling when interfacing at a customer level and PCDEs tend to be a welcome sight from a customer perspective unless distributing invoices for gas or electricity usage. The main hazards of the profession are aggressive canine quadrupeds that reside at customer properties.

In plain English: Postman

 

6.    Ablutionary FMCG Distributor

nightclub toilet attendant - The W1nners' Club

The general function of the role is to acquire perfumery products and distribute them to an established network of customers at key micro-moments in the buying cycle. Customers are generally willing to pay premium prices for goods which translate into a very high marginal return for the vendor. A diversified portfolio of products tends to be the standard model with a strong focus being placed on goods that are complementary to the coital acquisition process. The main hazards tend to be a lack of spare pound coins to give as change during busy periods and Cheryl Fernandez-Versini.

In plain English: Nightclub toilet attendant

 

7.    Reproductive Organ Re-Stimulator

porn fluffer - The W1nners' Club

As an essential part of the film industry, the job is an invaluable part of the production process. Many of the best loved movies in history would never have been made if it weren’t for the reproductive organ re-stimulators that dutifully ply their trade with skill and enthusiasm. Titles such as Shaving Ryan’s Privates, Schindler’s Fist, Muffy the Vampire Layer and Star Whores simply could not have been produced on time and within budget without them.

In plain English: Porn film fluffer

 

8.    Zoological Culinary Quality Control Operative

pet food - The W1nners' Club

Being born with the taste buds of a terrier, or the palette of a Pekingese might not be the most sought after ability if talents were put up for sale, but if you plan on being a zoological culinary quality control operative, such traits are like gold dust. The marketplace for animal nutrition is big business and is worth an estimated £3billion in the UK alone, whilst the dominant firms all compete aggressively for their share of the pet pound. Being able to tell whether a new formula of cat food tastes like Marco Pierre White or Little Chef to the average kitten, is essential when convincing pet lovers to spend their hard earned cash on your brand of dry fish meal. Needless to say, dinner parties round at your house must be a blast providing nobody barks with their mouth full!

In plain English: Pet food taster (……and yes – it’s actually a real job!)

 

9.    Anti-Pyro Safety Engineer

fireman - The W1nners' Club

The Anti-Pyro Safety Engineer role occupies a special place due to its importance in the management of one of mankind’s greatest friends and foes. They work in a world of extreme temperatures and face danger on a daily basis whilst protecting people and property from the ravages of mother nature and suspect insurance jobs. One of the reasons why Anti-Pyro Safety Engineers occupy a special place in the fantasies of bored housewives up and down the land, is their macho heroics are countered by a softer side. They are just as likely to be seen rescuing over-ambitious kittens from trees as they are fighting deadly fires. Everyone loves an Anti-Pyro Safety Engineer – whatever their real job title is………

In plain English: Fireman/woman

 

 

 

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