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sad face - The W1nners' club


The grass is always greener on the other side – right? Wrong.

As much as change can be a good thing, there’s no point in changing your situation if the situation you change it to is exactly the same as the one you’ve just left.

The only constant in all this to-ing and fro-ing is you. Simply carrying on doing whatever it is you do in a different set of four walls is not necessarily changing things.

Here are 8 reasons why leaving your current job won’t make any difference whatsoever to your flagging career:

1.    Everybody will still hate you


The snarls and grimaces of your notice period in the previous job have now been replaced by the smiles and insincere good will of your new colleagues. Don’t be fooled by the bonhomie however. In a few short months everybody will soon work out what a twat you are and will probably end up hating you even more than the horrible lot in your last place of employment did.

2.    You’ll still be late everyday


Whilst you and time have never been particularly good bed fellows, it’s because of the bed that you and time tend to disagree so much, as it constantly tries to get you out of it at the least agreeable moments. You have to respect time and only when you do will you stop being the only one on the team that puffs and pants in morning meetings because you only just made it into the office, ‘on time.’

3.    Your jokes will still be bad


There’s no such thing as a bad audience, only bad jokes. Just because you’ve started a new job, your repertoire of sub-Bob Monkhouse gags won’t suddenly become hilarious just because you now work a few miles further north of the river.

4.    You’ll still get the company dress code wrong


The term, ‘smart casual,’ can be misleading when people have a predilection for the casual rather than the smart. Everybody thought you looked like a Greenham Common protester in your last position and that overriding opinion hasn’t changed simply because you’ve switched companies. Fingerless gloves haven’t suddenly become cool just because you’re a Deputy Line manager now.

5.    Everybody will wonder how you managed to get the job


You’re great at interviews however, not so great when it comes to actually doing anything that resembles a decent day’s toil. Part of the reason you were managed out of your last position was because it quickly dawned on your superiors that you were upsetting customers at a rate unseen previously in the department from everyone else put together. Your ability to make strangers hasn’t left you just because you’ve changed employer.

6.    You’ll forget your new colleague’s names


The first day in a new job is awesome, let’s be honest.  Everybody shakes each other’s hands and a feeling of goodwill fills the office as you are welcomed into the fold. The problems start to occur when you bump into your new colleagues in the lift and fail to recall their names.

“Oh hello, er……… (is it Deborah, or Mary – actually I think she might be called Sue). Forgetting people’s names is one of the best ways to upset your new colleagues and it is almost guaranteed to happen repeatedly for the first three months so why not save yourself the hassle? Everyone might hate you at work, but at least you’ll be able to slag everyone off behind their backs properly by using their correct moniker.

7.    Everyone will think you’re weird for bringing in leftovers


The first time you bring last night’s Beef Bourguignon into the office in a Tupperware box to eat at your desk, at least a few of your colleagues will think you’re a bit odd. Even in these austere times, office waste bins are still stuffed full of half-eaten Bento Boxes by the late afternoon. At least in your last job people got used to smelling the wife’s attempt at an Aubergine Goulash for most of the afternoon.

8.    You won’t be able to cover up your mistakes anymore


The benefit of working in the same place for a long time is that you know the drill. You understand the politics and more importantly – you know what you can get away with. If you move jobs you’ll fuck up as much as you always do – only now you won’t be able to hide your mediocrity from anyone.


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