Playing a bit of music in the workplace is as much a part of working life as cigarette breaks and hangovers. It’s important however, that the music you play on your desktop speakers is relevant for the type of people that work in your office. Here at The W1nners’ Club, half our staff get laid fairly regularly and the other half try their hardest to varying degrees of success. We have therefore compiled this list of the 8 filthiest songs to play during work hours to ensure you avoid causing any sexual tension between the people in the office that enjoy a regular dose of rumpy-pumpy and the people that are paupers when it comes to procuring a partner.
1. George Formby – When I’m Cleaning Windows
Proof apart from the fact that people are alive today, that people did indeed enjoy having sex in the 1930s. Written by Formby, Harry Gifford and Frederick E. Cliffe, the song first appeared in the 1930s film Keep your Seats Please. It’s an anthem for Peeping Toms everywhere and the humorous lyrics describe the generally risqué things that are seen by a window cleaner as he does his daily rounds. Don’t be fooled by Formby’s high pitched, whiny delivery – this is definitely a song for the dirty minded.
“She pulls her hair all down behind,
Then pulls down her………never mind,
And after that pulls down the blind,
When I’m cleaning windows.”
2. NWA – Just Don’t Bite It
Quite possibly the ultimate bloke anthem, Just Don’t Bite It by NWA appeared on the gangsta rap group’s 1990 EP 100 Miles and Running. The track begins with a skit that features lead MC Eazy-E receiving fellatio from somebody we assume is a long term partner, or at least a lady the pint-sized rapper has known for a long enough time to indulge in such frivolities. Upon yelping in pain at being bitten in the nether regions by his charge, the track progresses to a spoof advert promoting NWA’s fictional book The Art of sucking d*ck. Whilst the advice contained in the song is undoubtedly as relevant today as it was back in 1990, we’re not sure this track should be played out loud in the office during work hours – you have been warned!
“Hey mother f*cker, I want you to suck Dre’s d*ck,
Then I want you to suck Yella d*ck,
You already sucked (MC) Ren’s d*ck……”
3. Frankie goes to Hollywood – Relax
Despite a sluggish start when it was released in 1983, Relax had hit the number 1 spot in the UK charts by January 1984. It was propelled in part by the controversy and eventual banning of the record by the BBC due to its infamous chorus. As DJ Mike Read expressed his disgust with the track live on air, the rest of the nation went out and bought a copy culminating in over 2 million sales in the UK alone making it the 7th best selling single in UK chart history.
Here at The W1nners’ Club we’re far too busy to have time to relax, so you’d probably get into more trouble playing the record in our office than you would at Mike Read’s – for entirely different reasons of course!
“Relax, don’t do it,
When you want to suck to it,
Relax, don’t do it,
When you want to come.”
4/10 at The W1nners’ Club office – 10/10 at Mike Read’s
4. Serge Gainsbourg – Je t’aime moi non plus
This list couldn’t really be considered filthy unless Serge Gainsbourg appeared somewhere on it. His 1969 hit featuring English moanstress Jane Birkin, offended and titillated the world in equal measure. Birkin’s orgasmic vocal parts were rumoured to have been recorded under the then couple’s bed during sex – a rumour that has always been refuted by Birkin. The record sold over 4 million copies in the UK. Never before has heavy breathing sounded quite so filthy.
Ooooooh, ooooh, aaaah!
5. Scissor Sisters – Filthy/Gorgeous
The clue’s in the title for this one. The Scissor Sisters have managed to eke a fairly decent living out of sexual innuendo and this track probably sums up their stylish sleaziness more than any other in their repertoire. Peaking at number 5 on the UK singles chart in January 2005, it also reached number 1 on the US dance chart. You won’t be considered a pervert by your colleagues for playing this track out loud in the office, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t filthy – or indeed gorgeous!
“When you’re walking down the street,
And the man tries to get your business,
And the people that you meet,
Want to open you up like Christmas….”
6. Madonna – Erotica
Madonna’s foray into the world of BDSM sees her sucking an index finger and wearing a Zoro mask on the record’s sleeve. If this isn’t filthy enough for you, it also accompanied the release of her book, Sex, a soft porn photo album featuring cameos by Big Daddy Kane and Vanilla Ice of all people. Even filthier still, the video for Erotica was eventually banned by MTV. Put this track on in the office and even your boss will start to look sexy – if only for a split second!
“Only the one that hurts you can make you feel better,
Only the one that inflicts pain can take it away….”
7. 2 Live Crew – Me So Horny
If you write a filthy song and end up being prosecuted as a result, you know that your song must be pretty damn filthy. Rap group 2 Live Crew scored a number one hit on the billboard rap music charts in 1989 with their infamous song entitled Me So Horny. As well as landing the group in trouble with the law, the track was also banned from sale in Florida. If you’re under any doubts as to whether it’s suitable to play during work hours, have a look at the video and decide whether the best career move is to play it with the headphones on or with the mute button on. Trust us – it’s really filthy!
“You said it yourself, you like it like I do
Put your lips on my d*ck, and suck my as*hole too
I’m a freak in heat, a dog without warning
My appetite is sex, cause me so horny”
9 ½ /10
8. Nine Inch Nails – Closer
Our final nail in the coffin is a nine inch one. Industrial rock act Nine Inch Nails make our list with their squelch bass anthem of self-loathing entitled Closer. The track was released in 1994 and despite containing a chorus that would cause most people to employ the services of a priest for the purpose of having their soul cleansed – the song remains one of the band’s most successful records to date. Despite the creepy snuff movie imagery of the video, there’s something undeniably sexy about the music. Just don’t play it in the office or your colleagues will think you’re possessed. Filthy – yes, but in a really, really weird way!
“You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you.”
A bound and gagged 8 ½ /10