If you’re planning on leaving your job at any point in the near future, you’ll be forced to go through the rigmarole of writing out a resignation letter, having the resignation letter accepted by your employer and then you’ll more than likely have to continue working in your current position for anything between 1-6 months depending on your level on seniority and employment terms. A far easier way to end your current employment status would be to call in sick with an excuse that is so wildly unbelievable and so idiotically insane that your employer will want to get rid of you almost as soon as the excuse in question leaves your lips. We have therefore put together a list of excuses to use for not turning up to work that will almost certainly get you the sack from your current job.
Good luck and happy job hunting!
1. “I’m not sure how the solar eclipse will affect me!”
Whilst a solar eclipse can induce a drop in air temperature and light level whilst altering the behaviour of animals like birds and squirrels who return to their nests; humans are not known to be adversely affected by such a phenomenon. If you decide to use this excuse for not going to work on a given day, your boss will almost certainly believe you are completely crackers and will immediately start to question whether you should continue to be employed in a position that requires any level of responsibility. If you try this excuse when there isn’t even a solar eclipse taking place, your employer will more than likely try to get you sectioned as well.
2. “I left all my clothes at the launderette!”
Most employers would think you were a scatter-brained idiot if you told them that you couldn’t come into work because you’ve left all your clothes at the launderette, but here at The W1nners’ Club we’d expect you to come into work straight away – especially if you’re attractive!
3. “I heard foxes going through my litter bin last night and they might be waiting to pounce on me!”
Whilst nobody could ever accuse you of lying if you told your employer that you heard foxes rifling through your litter bin last night, being scared will make them think you have the backbone of a jelly fish. Alepouphobia (a fear of foxes) is probably not as uncommon as most people think, but nobody would want to place their future business success in the hands of somebody who goes into a blind panic whenever Basil Brush appears on television.
4. “I swallowed a toothpick during a client lunch yesterday!”
If you ever use this excuse for not turning up to work, your boss will never want to pick your brains about professional matters again. Apart from getting a picture in their head of a company representative receiving the Heimlich manoeuvre from one of the business’s largest spending clients whilst waiting for a lunch bill, they’ll also wonder how the hell you’re able to call them up despite your throat allegedly being torn to shreds by a rogue cocktail stick!
5. “I’m too fat to fit into my work clothes after the festive season!”
Use this excuse and your boss will wonder how the hell you ever got through the interview process and secured a job at your organisation. The fact that buying new work clothes hasn’t yet occurred to you will almost certainly send the phrase ‘P45’ racing around their mind.
6. “My Samsung Galaxy Note 7 just exploded in my pocket!”
Ah – the old exploding Samsung phone excuse. If you used it back in 2016, your boss would probably have asked you if you were okay and if you need to take a bit of extra time off to recuperate after what must surely have been a traumatic experience. Use it in 2018 however and they’ll know for sure that you’re trying to pull a fast one. The Galaxy Note 7 was discontinued and the company even issued software updates to ensure they could never be used again as mobile phones, so the only way it could explode these days is if you intentionally tried to blow one up yourself. It might be worth trying if it means you end up getting 3 months of gardening leave!
7. “My dog ate my car keys so I’m waiting for them to come out the other end!”
In the unlikely event that you’d ever be able to get away with this excuse, you could potentially extend your period of absence from work by claiming that your dog has constipation. Alas, any employer of sound mind will almost certainly realise that you’re telling porkies and will immediately think that you’re as trustworthy as a wolf that’s managed to land a job as a sheep dog – a sure fire way to get the boot if that’s what you’re after!
8. “I broke my arm trying to arm wrestle a female body builder!”
No employer would ever lambast you for dating a female body builder, but they might think you were a bit strange for attempting to arm wrestle with her. A good boss will understand that what goes on in your private life is entirely up to you, but trying to arm wrestle a female body builder is a bit like trying to out run a cheetah or out jump a kangaroo – only a fool would attempt it and certainly not the sort of person that a successful company would want to have in charge of its revenues!