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businessman wearing boxing gloves - The W1nners' Club

(WARNING: The following content is only suitable for people who do not consider themselves to be a morning person. Everyone else should look away now and click on some of our other stuff that is a bit more suitable!!)

If you’re not a morning person, please read on:

Forget outdated concepts such as race, sex or ethnicity; the human race is effectively split into two types of people namely: morning people and non-morning people. What truly defines the diversity of man is whether you are able to communicate with others in a pleasant manner before 10am without wanting to execute anybody that says, ‘hello’ or other such super-annoying pleasantries.

Non-morning people are fully aware that their intolerance of the positive emotions of others at the start of the working day is not great for team cohesion in the workplace, but if you’re able to take your anger at having to face the world before noon out on fellow commuters, our theory is that 9am in the office wouldn’t be such a drag.

We have therefore put together a list of the best ways to get into a punch-up with fellow commuters on the way in to work, after which you should be pumped up and ready to engage co-workers that have a more natural predilection for ante-meridian employment.

1.    Eat smelly food


Nothing will upset your co-commuters more than opening up a Tupperware box and munching loudly as if it’s the last meal anyone anywhere will ever eat. We suggest that you consume something spicy that is completely unsuitable for breakfast consumption to really get fellow passengers’ tempers flaring – a mutton jalfrezi would be ideal for this purpose but if you didn’t manage to purchase a take away from your local curry house the previous night, a dish such as tripe with liver and onions would suffice.

Likelihood of being assaulted by a fellow passenger: 7/10

2.    Break wind


A bout of fortuitous flatulence could definitely prove a worthy bed fellow if you’re looking to get into a brawl with your fellow commuters. Let’s be honest, nobody likes the smell of anybody’s farts except their own, so breaking wind in a jam-packed train carriage full of morning weary commuters should get the fists flying.

Likelihood of being assaulted by a fellow passenger: 8/10

3.    Body Odour


What has hitherto been an embarrassing problem, is now a potentially highly effective acquisition tool for the purpose of recruiting a ruck from fellow rowdy rail passengers. It’s essential that you hang on to one of the hand rails so that your sweaty armpits are exposed for the duration of your journey and make sure you don’t apply any deodorant when getting ready first thing in the morning.

Likelihood of being assaulted by a fellow passenger: 8/10

4.    Headphones


Picture the scene if you will. You went out with some of your colleagues until 2am last night and only managed to rack up four hours of low-quality drunken sleep. What’s the one thing you don’t want to hear on your journey in to work the next day? Could it be other people’s music selection emanating from their headphones perhaps? Of course it bloody well is! Listening to somebody else’s rare German techno selection through tinny headphone speakers whilst you’re struggling with a hangover is as close to hell as you can get without getting burned by the heat. Screamcore would also have a similar effect. All you need to do therefore is put on your Beats headphones, turn up the volume and start blasting out some hardcore Russian death metal – punch up guaranteed!

Likelihood of being assaulted by a fellow passenger: 9/10

5.    Singing along to music blasting out of headphones


Take all the worst parts from number 4 and compound this with the fact that the only reason why you can’t hear the greatest hits of Napalm Death bludgeoning your eardrums across the ether from someone else’s headphones for the entire journey is because someone is singing along to it. Worse still – they could be whistling!

Likelihood of being assaulted by a fellow passenger: 9/10

6.    Talking on a mobile – loudly


You’re going to see Cirque du Soleil at the weekend, Arsene Wenger is signing a new contract, your son received a distinction for his school project, you’re thinking of changing jobs. If you were a friend, most people would be genuinely interested in hearing about the above events as you talk loudly on your mobile – strangers however………. If you really want to receive a smack in the chops, this will be almost guaranteed if you mention all of the above at the top of your voice and will be an absolute certainty if combined with numbers 1 – 5.

Likelihood of being assaulted by a fellow passenger: 8/10

7.    Playing Pokemon Go!


It has nothing to do with the fact that you’re on a packed train or the time of day. Anybody that plays Pokemon Go! should expect to be violently assaulted by complete strangers regardless of whether they are on the daily commute or not!!

Likelihood of being assaulted by a fellow passenger: 10/10


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