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curriculum vitae - The W1nners' Club

Recruiting the right staff is essential for the success of your company. The challenge any recruiter faces is having to make the crucial decision of whether to hire someone despite having a small amount of information upon which to base the decision. We all know the majority of CVs contain enough fiction in them to get reclassified as novels, but this should not deter you in your quest to find quality candidates.

We have collated a list of key phrases to look out for when scanning a CV. They are phrases which, if used, pretty much confirm that the person who is applying for the job is a complete idiot.

Be vigilant, and if you don’t know what any of these words mean, it doesn’t actually matter because you’ll be throwing the CV in the bin anyway!

1.    Self-Starter


The main issue with labelling yourself as a self-starter is – who else is supposed to do things for you? Do you seriously expect people to raise their eyebrows in admiration simply because a person doesn’t need to be told what to do every day like a 5 year old child? Anybody that uses the term self-starter and expects to gain brownie points has probably never started themselves at anything. Your self-starting job candidate is likely to be a 42 year old virgin that’s addicted to Pokemon Go and collects Warhammer 40,000 figurines!

2.    Confident


Oh we know ‘confident’ people alright. It’s the office loudmouth that cries themselves to sleep every night. People who have to shout about how confident they are – aint! It’s like going around and telling everyone that you’re a woman – you shouldn’t really have to if you are!

3.    Forward thinking


Ah – the virtues of having that rare ability to think about what might happen next. Forward thinking people are blessed with that rare capacity to not think backwards. When a forward thinking person goes for a stroll, they draw on their special gift and place one foot in front of the other. Such talented individuals are required on every team in the workplace. The rest of us mere mortals can only stare in wonder as we go about our daily business in reverse. Forward thinking? We think you’ll find that most people just call it thinking!

4.    Dynamic


The problem with people that put the word ‘dynamic,’ on their CV Is that they don’t actually know what it means. A dynamic person is someone who is, ‘positive in attitude, full of energy and new ideas,’ according to the Oxford English dictionary – the polar opposite of someone that uses a word without being bothered to check its meaning. Go around your office and ask your colleagues to define the word, ‘dynamic,’ we can pretty much guarantee no-one will know what it means.

5.    Good track record


Claiming that you have a ‘good track record,’ on your CV is a bit like approaching someone in a bar and telling them you don’t have any STDs. It certainly helps, but in no way does it render someone duty bound to go to bed with you. You should be immediately suspicious of anyone that claims to have a, ‘good track record,’ because – let’s be honest here, if your track record is that good it should speak for itself!

6.    Goal Oriented


As opposed to what? Regret focused? Calamity inclined? Does this goal oriented person actually believe that there are people out there who get jobs because they have a predilection for seeking out failure? Everybody should at least aim to be goal oriented as a bare minimum standard, or certainly anybody you would want to employ. Using the term, ‘goal oriented,’ more than likely means that such a person doesn’t have any goals, that they’re probably a con artist and will more than likely steal tea bags from the canteen to use at home in their own time – unforgiveable!

7.    Salary required is……


The idea that just because you had a pay rise in your last job every three months somehow guarantees you a ticket on a similar gravy train this time around is frankly ridiculous. There’s no law that says just because you shagged the boss in your last job, you are hereby locked in a gilded cage of previous achievements for all of eternity. The employer pays the salary, so how much a prospective employee earns depends on you – not their previous boss twice removed. The next time a job applicant tells you they ‘require’ a £50k basic + bonuses and perks – tell them you ‘require’ them to wash your car every week because that’s what the previous person in the role did…….


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