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office workers - The W1nners' Club

Let’s be honest, working in an office is no mean feat is it? There are often very contrasting personality types that are thrown together in the vain hope that everybody will be mature enough to get the job done every day. Unfortunately however, it rarely ever works out like this. People squabble and plot against each other, they form factions and cliques so that before you know it, it can feel a bit like working in a war zone at times.

Here are the 6 types of co-worker you’ll probably have to work with over your career and the best way to deal with them to get through the average working day without using physical violence of any kind:

The Team Leader

 

The team leader has been at the company for several millennia and is probably due to remain for an equal period. They’d like to move on and do something different with their life but it’s just too much hassle. The reason for this is the team leader is likely on a decent salary and just doesn’t have the energy to fill out a CV. The team leader is institutionalised and will therefore resent your exciting and ambitious plans for the future.

How to deal with them:

It’s important to realise that your team leader has effectively written themselves out of any life goal advancement, so their sole aim will be to make sure you don’t overtake them. Imagine driving down a motorway and the person in front is in the fast lane travelling at 40mph and won’t move to let you overtake – dealing with a team leader can be equally frustrating. Your best bet is to appear humble, browbeaten and if possible, a little bit depressed to make sure the team leader doesn’t feel threatened by your zest for life. Regular offers to make the tea will also convince him or her that you have no ego whatsoever.

The Yes Man

 

At the side of every team leader in the average office sits a yes man. He or she is the team leader’s trusted pooch. They are always ready to follow orders unquestioningly but more importantly, the yes man is trained to attack on command. If you ever find yourself at the wrong end of the team leader’s ire, it is the yes man who will painstakingly trawl your emails looking for evidence of who you know before starting a smear campaign that you have no idea is taking place behind your back.

How to deal with them:

It’s important to realise that the yes man is possessed of an unusually low level of self-esteem, so they tend to feel privileged at being given the task of making their co-worker’s lives a misery. Dealing with a yes man is therefore simple because he or she will feed on whether or not you show any signs of suffering. Whilst it’s tactically astute to appear depressed in front of the team leader, you must let the yes man know that their under-handed behaviour is of no consequence to you. At the point when people start giggling at you and pointing from across the office, simply smile back and wave in merriment – the yes man will hate it!

The Rich Kid

 

The rich kid doesn’t actually work for money. In fact, no-one’s really sure why the rich kid actually has a job as his allowance is far bigger than most senior management salaries. As a result, the rich kid is both the easiest member of the team to get along with, but also the most disruptive over the course of any given day. Expect the rich kid to ‘ping’ rubber bands in your direction and mercilessly criticise your clothing no matter how smart you’re dressed. The rich kid is pompous and arrogant for no other reason than the fact that he or she could lose their job tomorrow and still afford to dine at Claridge’s in the evening.

How to deal with them:

The rich kid has a lot of ‘old’ money in his family, but he also has a lot to prove. Whilst your parents probably show off to the neighbours about what you do for a living every time they chat over the garden fence, the rich kid’s parents (a) don’t have any neighbours within a 12 acre radius and (b) are embarrassed about what junior does for a living and probably never fail to remind him of this fact. What you have to realise is that your education was probably provided free by the state but the rich kid’s cost £20,000 per term yet you both do the same job. Maybe you should remind him of this fact the next time he or she teases you for being ‘poor.’

The Chav

 

No office staffing roster would be complete without a resident chav on board. Male or female, they are the kid from the local estate done good that landed a job working with you. Some of the tales they recall of a misspent youth sound like they were lifted from the script of ‘Topboy.’ The Chav is usually a good natured member of the team, just be careful not to leave your mobile phone or wallet lying around in their vicinity in case, ‘man’s a teef’ to coin a phrase.

How to deal with them:

This one is relatively simple – sirens! Not the type that turn sailors into stone as in tales from Greek mythology, but the plain old, bog-standard ones used by the emergency services. There’s something in the nervous system of the chav that is hard wired to respond to any pitch that rises and falls at regular intervals. The next time the office chav is haranguing you to lend them a fiver until payday, simply unleash a blast from one of those toy sirens kids used to put on their bikes back in the 1980s. The chav will automatically freeze in terror, look frantically around the room and more than likely dart off in the opposite direction. Old habits die hard and all that.

The Sporty One

 

Every office has that guy. The one who believes the true meaning of life is to spend every waking hour sculpting your body into an artefact of physiological perfection at the gym. It’s bloody ridiculous isn’t it? The sporty one runs into work, goes to the gym at lunch, then either runs home at night or plays hockey or some other equally bizarre sport. In the summer he or she then swaps hockey for cricket or netball. After a quick straw poll of the less than Adonis-like bods here at The W1nners’ Club, we came to the conclusion that to have a body like The Rock, you’d have to give up everything that would make you want to have a body like The Rock. We can’t see the point really, but the sporty one does and boy will they keep letting you know about how you can improve your diet, or the health benefits of taking the stairs rather than the lift.

How to deal with them:

The thing you have to remember about gym bunny types is that they live and breathe competition. How many times have you witnessed the sporty one, in a moment of self-reflection, pretending to hit an imaginary forearm tennis shot or feign a quick shadow boxing combination? They’re always playing sport, even in the office. The next time the sporty one starts pontificating about your apparent state of ill health, simply place a cheap medal that you will have previously acquired from the pawnbrokers and place it onto the desk in front of you. Stare up at the sporty one with a smug grin and ask them if they know what you won it for. He or she will inevitably say ‘no’ so you can then tell them that you were once the Guatemalan Sky Wrestling regional champion followed by the words, ‘do you have any idea how fit you have to be to do that?’ The sporty one won’t have heard of Guatemalan Sky Wrestling because there’s no such thing as Guatelmalan sky wrestling, but you can rest assured that they’ll spend the rest of the day in an athletic panic that someone in the office is better at a sport than they are.

The Quiet One

 

The quiet one isn’t actually a difficult colleague to work with – mainly because he or she never says anything offensive or indeed anything at all for that matter. They sit staring at their monitor screens for the entire working day and only ever have a vocabulary that stretches to the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’ in response to direct questions. It’s a big wonder how the quiet one ever got through an interview as the proverbial, ‘why do you think we should give you the job?’ question would have more than likely induced a heart attack in them. They are generally considered good natured because no one has any evidence to the contrary and that’s maybe the reason why the quiet one should never be trusted.

How to deal with them:

Try talking to yourself – you’ll end up having a far more in-depth conversation……….

 

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