Unemployment is a trying time for the best of people – even those that have never actually had a proper job like The Queen. It causes you to doubt yourself and question your role in the world on an existential level. Who am I? What is my purpose? Should I really have bought a bottle of prosecco even though I currently receive £80 a week in jobseeker’s allowance?
What unemployment does give you however – is time. More time than you got as a school kid during the summer holidays in fact.
When you do finally make a glorious return to the rat race after 6 months spent ‘looking for work,’ here are the main things you will miss from your time on the dole:
1. The Snooze Button
True freedom is derived from having the ability to determine your fate. You might not have had any money when you were out of work, but you sure as hell could stay in bed for as long as you wanted every morning. Furthermore, you didn’t have to pay tax on any additional sleep you earned like you do with money.
2. The Jeremy Kyle Show
When your confidence is at an all-time low, it’s important to remind yourself that no matter how bad you think your situation is, somebody somewhere is always having it much worse than you. What better way to put your situation in context therefore, than by watching some of the train wrecks on The Jeremy Kyle Show go at it with each other? You might not have a job, but at least you’re not carrying your father’s love child!
3. Happy Hour
Have you ever wondered why happy hour at the pub is always from 5-6 pm? It’s because everybody’s still at work – that’s why! They might look like overweight cretins, but publicans are no fools when it comes to getting punters to buy alcohol at a decent price. Most people leave the office between 5:30pm and 6:00pm meaning ‘happy hour’ is in reality, more like a happy 15 minutes……
Enter the unemployed person. The jobless have all day at their disposal to take advantage of cheap alcohol pricing and this will cease to be now that you have a job. All you can do is cry into your overpriced pint glass and reminisce about the days when happy hour was a full 60 minutes.
4. Subsidised Travel
A monthly travelcard in London for zones 1-4 costs a mortgage arrear inducing £180. With a little assistance from our friends at the jobcentre plus however, this amount decreases to £90. Here is a list of things you could buy with the extra £90 you have to pay now that you are getting shafted by the taxman once again:
- 2x tickets to a premier league football match.
- An ounce of ‘skunk’ weed.
- 2GB of data, 1000 minutes and unlimited texts for 2 months.
- 1x bottle of Veuve Clicquot champagne in a really crappy nightclub in a place like Preston or Hull.
- 1x Wireless Laser Projection Keyboard on the W1nners’ Club website
- 18x Twiddle Cubes
5. Taking Drugs
Let’s face it, there’s not many job adverts out there at the moment that list, ‘smoking weed all day,’ as a key skill requirement for the position……