You’ve done it! You’ve passed the interview. Providence has smiled down on you and a company that is even more desperate to recruit staff than you are for a job, has decided to recruit you into their ranks.
Now that you have the job, your next big challenge will be to keep it.
We have therefore drawn up a list of guidelines to help you stay employed in your new role past the all-important 3 month probation period.
1. Don’t get involved in arguments with colleagues
Hard as this will be and the fact that you will require the patience of a saint notwithstanding, getting involved in fisticuffs during work hours with one of your co-workers will almost certainly see you being invited to leave before the three months is up. We suggest you compile a, ‘shit list,’ of people that have upset you and go after your new enemies when you’re a bit more settled in to the role.
2. Avoid taking cigarette breaks
Everybody knows that rumours in the workplace are at their most virulent during cigarette breaks. During your probationary period you should aim to be as incognito as possible. Joining the tobacco tribe tittle tattle behind the bike sheds will only drag you into the gossip at a point when you’re least able to defend yourself against becoming the subject of Chinese whispers, so it’s best avoided until you get a better idea of who to start malicious rumours about yourself.
3. Don’t wear your hair in a man bun (guys) / skinhead (girls)
……..for obvious reasons, but during your probationary period these outlandish hairstyles become more pronounced. Line managers often joke about firing staff with bad haircuts in the name of office banter and/or team bonding, but during your probation this is more likely to become a reality.
4. Don’t discuss your extra-curricular activities
So what if you did enough drugs at the weekend to immobilise a Tyrannosaurus Rex – this part of your life should be kept away from the office until you either pass your probation or find out which one of your colleagues can get hold of the best stuff – whichever happens sooner. Use a bit of common sense, that’s all.
5. Don’t attempt to hit on colleagues
If you didn’t learn the lesson from last time, the lesson this time will be delivered without the need for mediation and verbal or written warnings. If you’re still in your probation period it’ll simply be a case of, ‘goodnight Sooty,’ as you are escorted from the premises quicker than the time it takes to shove your hand up the rear end of a children’s TV glove puppet.
6. Don’t get drunk with colleagues after work
(See number 5)
7. Don’t be nosey
Prying into the lives of others within the first three months of a new job may leave you open to equally impertinent questions about how many people you’ve slept with on Tinder.
8. Don’t use foul language
The only time swearing is appropriate during your probation period is if you’re negotiating with suppliers and/or customers. In any of the above scenarios we implore you to fill yer boots!
9. Avoid discussions about sport, religion and/or politics
Be sensitive to the fact that the Black, Gay, Jewish, Blind, Amputee, Communist that supports Leeds United and sits at the desk across from yours might not have the same views as you on everything.