You’ve been made redundant, you’re now unemployed, you’re signing on at the job centre, the sun is shining and the pubs are open………
Let’s face it, things could be a lot, lot, worse. At some point you’re going to have to get another job but for the meantime (summer), there’s no point in rushing the process whilst pub beer gardens are such nice places to frequent in the afternoon, as there’ll be plenty of time for all that nonsense when the weather gets a bit colder.
You will however, have to show the lovely bods at the job centre that you’re actively looking for work and god forbid, you might even have to attend the odd interview.
Here is therefore a list of things you should do to ensure that your prospective employer will feel ill at the thought of even considering offering you a position.
1. Get there late
Everybody knows that the one thing you should never do when seeking employment is be late for an interview. A lack of punctuality is therefore an incredibly powerful weapon when it comes to ensuring a prospective employer doesn’t see any potential in you. Make sure you’re at least 20 minutes late and try your best to appear all hot and sweaty as if you’ve just run a marathon. After all, there’s nothing quite like a sweaty handshake for creating that crucial first impression.
2. Answer a call on your mobile
Nothing screams ‘no respect’ more than having your phone on loud speaker and actually answering it just as your interviewer asks you what your biggest weakness is. It helps if you have an embarrassing ringtone for extra effect. We suggest one of the following to ensure that you appear to be the last person on earth that anybody would want to employ:
- The theme from the TV show ‘Bullseye’
- Anything by Black Lace
- Some demented person laughing maniacally
- The transporter sound effect from ‘Star Trek’
3. Speak Jafaican whenever possible
Whilst your ‘bredrens’ or fellow ‘Skengman’ from ‘ends’ who are currently ‘on road’ might appreciate your knowledge of urban street slang, this is a wholly inappropriate way to speak when attending an interview for a respectable job. You should therefore ensure that you constantly refer to the interviewer as, ‘blood,’ always say the word, ‘innit,’ after every sentence and make sure you offer the interviewer a fist bump every time they say something you agree with and conversely, kiss your teeth every time they say something you don’t like.
4. Make sure your ego is as big as Kanye’s
It’s important to leave any sense of humility outside the interview room if you want to be sure of getting turned down for a job. Make sure you start off the interview with all the entitlement of a WWII German Panzer division on a blitzkrieg manoeuvre. If you tell the interviewer that you’re ultimately after their job, that too should help to alienate them as well.
5. Dress like you’re attending a rave
Formal business attire is not always a prerequisite these days for job interviews but nevertheless, you shouldn’t really turn up looking like it’s carnival weekend. If you really don’t want to be offered a job that you’re attending an interview for, you’d do well to make sure that you wear tie-dye print shirts, jeans halfway down your waist and if you have one, put on a baseball cap the wrong way around.
6. Slag off your old boss
Every prospective employer wants a team player to join their ranks. You should therefore present yourself in the worst possible light with regard to getting on with colleagues if you want to ensure you don’t rejoin the rat race until the autumn. We suggest you invent stories about how the entire office in your previous job was involved in a huge conspiracy against you and also let it be known that you are currently looking into various ways to sue your old employer.
7. Appear to be a liar
So, your CV is one of the greatest works of fiction since Charles Dickens wrote A Tale of Two Cities – the trouble is, so is everyone else’s. There’s no way you’ll be able to put off a prospective employer by simply getting caught telling porkies on your CV because it’s the expected norm. You’ll need to demonstrate a capacity to defraud and deceive on a grand scale before such behaviour starts to work in your favour. We suggest heavy breathing, repetition, the shuffling of feet and infrequent blinking as they are all tell-tale signs that someone is being dishonest.
8. Look like you’re about to fall asleep
The last thing a prospective employer wants to see in a candidate is someone who looks like they would rather be in bed. You should therefore intersperse the interview with lots of yawning and slouching back in your chair. If you know how to fake being unconscious, by all means try that as well.
9. Stare at the interviewer
Maintaining eye contact with an interviewer during a conversation is a great way to demonstrate that you’re listening intently to the person you are talking to, but if you really want to freak them out, staring should do the trick. Threatening eye contact will offer a psychological challenge to your interviewer, thus making them think that you’re a psychopath who they’d never consider spending a significant amount of time with – let alone offering a job to!
10. Talk about money at every opportunity
Remember – It makes the world go around. You may come across as a heartless mercenary that doesn’t give two hoots about the job or the company, but that’s the whole point isn’t it?