It’s a nice life being a premiership footballer isn’t it? Adored by millions for their skill and athleticism whilst getting paid handsomely for the privilege.
It’s a tough idea to comprehend but, footballers are still just lowly employees like the rest of us. They have to turn up to work on time, phone in sick and do what they’re told to do by the boss. The difference however is that despite all the rules they have to obey, footballers are given a certain leeway that, if it were allowed in your office would more than likely result in a drop in productivity to rival a walkout.
Here therefore are the 10 things premiership footballers do that you would never be allowed to get away with in your workplace:
1. Working Hours
It is unlikely that you’ll ever see a footballer slaving away on the training pitch much later than lunchtime. This means that most afternoons of the week they are free to indulge their gambling addictions, meet up with underage girls or do whatever else it is that footballers get up to on an afternoon. You on the other hand might get to post the odd tweet at best whilst having to stay in the office.
2. Tweet disparaging remarks about your employer
Every January and every August just before the transfer window closes, you can bet your bottom dollar that a disgruntled player that has scored 10 goals in his first season will consider himself ready for a bank-busting move to Barcelona. The Chairman will say he’s not for sale and the player in question will take to social media to voice his frustrations at having his career destroyed by the club that gave him a shot at the big time. Imagine if you openly criticised your boss on twitter – not only would you be allowed to leave the company, you’d almost certainly be forced to!
3. Request a transfer
You’re not getting on with your line manager so what do you do? Request or rather, demand a transfer to a bigger competitor? You’d be shown your employment contract and laughed out of the boss’s office. It is however, something that disgruntled footballers do all the time.
4. Retire in your 30s
With an ever-ageing population, the chances are most of us will have to have combined retirement parties and funerals as we continue to work until the last drop of life has been squeezed out of us. Our elite level ball kicking friends however, mainly retire in their 30s before taking up careers as Match of the Day pundits or moving to a club in China to earn more money in a season than they earned across the rest of their career combined.
5. Insist on receiving cake for your birthday
Here at The W1nners’ Club, staff birthdays are a fairly frugal affair. The person in question can expect to receive a handshake and might even get a pint bought for them at the pub after work. In the case of footballers though it’s a little bit different. A certain large Ivorian footballer became infamous for complaining that his club didn’t buy him any cake on his birthday. How the other half live eh?
6. Demand to be posted overseas to work
Unless you work in a client facing role, most people rarely get to leave the office between the hours of 9am and 5:30pm unless they are popping out to Pret a Manger for a toasted sandwich at lunch. In the humble world of football however, some players refuse to work under such inhuman conditions as, ‘not playing in the Champions League,’ and may threaten to leave – something for the respective union to campaign against no doubt.
7. If you’re useless at your job, the boss gets the sack
Another area where the world of football differs from the rest of the workforce is the culpability of management. If you sit at your desk playing minesweeper all day instead of ensuring that you contribute effectively to the performance of the department, sooner or later you’ll be either asked to improve significantly or leave the company. In football however, players score own goals, get sent off for spitting and stamping on opponents and various other transgressions that may result in defeat for the team. The only person whose career is ever on the line as a result though is the manager!
8. Promote other companies’ products
Let’s face it – unlike Joe Hart or Adam Lalana, it’s unlikely that you’ll end up being the face of Nivea or Head and Shoulders just because you turn up to work every day. It’s usually written into most employment contracts that you can’t moonlight for other companies. Footballers however, are able to whore themselves out for multiple product endorsement deals to the highest bidder – as if they need the money!
9. Get Relegated
Relegated? That’s a euphemism if ever there was one! Basically it means that you failed in your respective market place and as a result you’ll get to compete with lesser opponents, thus giving you the best opportunity possible to get back to the level you were at previously………this is what happens to unsuccessful footballers. In normal working life you just get the sack!
10. Break the law
Adam Johnson – that is all……….