Prison - The W1nners' Club

 

It’s been four years since you first arrived here and the days just don’t seem to be getting any shorter. Time is still your arch enemy and as each day passes a recurring thought runs through your mind.

“When will I get out of here?”

True – things aren’t as bad as when you first arrived. Back then you were the newbie, the fresh fish, but over time and through a mixture of being smart and being tough, you gradually managed to earn some respect.

You’ve even managed to make a few friends over the years as well as a few enemies, but everybody is just looking forward to the day when they’ll get to walk out of the entrance gates to freedom.

Until then, all you can do is try to keep your head down and watch your back because life is hard when you’re doing hard time in………….an office!

Here are 10 reasons why being in prison is much better than being at work:

1.    The Cubicles

 

To be fair to the prison system, the cells in most jails are considerably more roomy than the cramped cubicles that are provided in offices – worth bearing in mind if you ever get the urge to violently assault one of your colleagues in a department meeting.

2.    The Canteen

 

In prison you get served three meals a day including desert free of charge just for being there. In the workplace however, very few companies even have a canteen anymore. The offices that do have canteens usually contract them out to over-priced cafe chains like Starbucks, meaning you’d need to rob a bank just to be able to afford to eat there every day.

3.    Using the Telephone

 

In jail, every prisoner is given an allowance in return for doing jobs. They can buy phonecards to call their friends and family as a legal right. If you get caught calling your mates on the work phone however, it’s quite possible you could end up getting into trouble.

4.    Romance

 

So, your attempt at getting a date with the hot blonde Essex girl that works in accounts payable has thus far proved fruitless. Any persistent attempt to win over her affections could even get you into trouble with HR. In prison however, it’s possible to get laid without so much as having to flutter your eyelids in the showers.

5.    Visits

 

Pretty much anybody can visit you in jail if they are not a security risk. In fact as a prisoner you have a legal right to receive visitors. If the mother in law pops in to see you at work however, you’d never hear the end of it would you?

6.    Entertainment

 

Unless you work in PR or advertising, the chances are you won’t get the chance to mess about on a PS4 all day and still be able to claim you’re doing a decent day’s toil. In prison however, all you have to do is not throw cups full of boiling water mixed with sugar in the faces of fellow convicts and you get to keep a Playstation in your cell (games that require lots of digging or climbing over walls tend to be discouraged however).

7.    Home Leave

 

If you behave well in prison and achieve a certain category status you will eventually qualify for home leave to help reintegrate you into the outside world. In an office however, the only way you get to secure home leave is if you’re ill or if you’ve been made redundant.

8.    Transport

 

You get free transport to and from prison with guaranteed seating. Poor office workers however, have to spend £300 a month travelling in cramped conditions, standing up on a northern line tube train twice a day – enough said!

9.    Rioting

 

If you are ever involved in a prison riot, when it’s over the chances are you’ll probably get transferred to another location. Have a riot in the office however and you’ll more than likely get the sack!

10.   Time

 

The average length of prison sentence handed down by the courts comes in at roughly five years per prison admission. Compare that with the 47 years you are likely to spend in the workplace – it’s practically a life sentence!!

 

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