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cry baby - The W1nners' Club


Let’s face it – getting the sack really sucks. Fair enough, you may now get to laze around in your pyjamas until lunchtime watching Breaking Bad on Netflix, but the reality is that not having a job can be financially catastrophic if you’re the sort of person that thinks a piggy bank should come with an overdraught facility.

Being fired can make you experience a whole range of emotions so we have compiled a list of things to do when you’re handed the dreaded P45 that will (a) make you feel a whole lot better about the situation and (b) give you something to brag about on social media – which is probably the reason why you got the sack in the first place.

1.    Pretend it’s all a big joke


There’s no better cure for the truth than a good, healthy slab of denial. Whilst denial is indeed the largest river in Egypt, it is also a great way to avoid having to actually deal with the matter in hand. Your refusal to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation alongside bellowing out maniacal belly laughs, is a great way to make light of what should be a depressing situation. You’ll feel great and it won’t half piss the person off that is doing the sacking. For extra effect, you may also want to consider collapsing and start banging your fist on the floor like a complete nutter!

2.    Quit


Timing is everything here. It’s best to yell, ‘I quit!’ at the precise moment your boss hands you over your dismissal letter for maximum effect.

3.    Threaten to become a ‘whistle blower’


There’s nothing that will spook an ex-employer more than the prospect of you turning into a corporate Edward Snowden and blowing the whistle on them. If the information you have is particularly juicy and your previous employer is a well known brand, you may want to consider threatening to sell your story to a newspaper as well.

4.    Refuse to leave


This may result in security being summoned, but what better way to leave the office for the last time than being carried out in a restraint hold by four police officers after being tasered and temporarily blinded with pepper spray? Your legend status will be assured and the inevitable video footage will almost certainly go viral. For extra effect, you may want to scream something like, “I want justice!” in a Northern Irish accent as they try to prise your hands from your boss’s ankles.

5.    Suggest other people that should be sacked instead of you


You won’t be around for much longer, so why not take the opportunity to blemish the careers of colleagues that will be remaining? Try to remember all the dirt you have on others and fill yer boots!

6.    Ask if you can get a second opinion from somebody in a position of authority


Nothing will annoy your boss more than the suggestion that they are not actually senior enough to fire you!

7.    Tell your boss that you know where they live


It helps of you can reel off their children’s names and the schools they attend for added effect.

8.    Use personal slurs


You won’t get your job back, but damn! You’ll feel great for telling your boss exactly what you and everybody else for that matter – thinks about them. F*ck you indeed!

9.    Be Sarcastic


Phrases like, “well, that was a good decision wasn’t it?” or “The company will do just great without me here to keep the place going,” or “See you at the job centre!” said in an arrogant tone, will ensure that your immature pangs of bitterness and anger get delivered to the right place at the right time.

10.                       Threaten to sue


The threat of legal action will spook any boss no matter how ridiculous the claim is. Here at The W1nners’ Club we have a Black, Gay, Jewish, Amputee, Transsexual, Communist that supports Leeds United working for us and I can tell you now that we’ll never be able to get rid of them!


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