W1nners’ Club Problem Page – I think I have a crush on Mozart

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – I think I have a crush on Mozart

    Dear Darcus, Ever since I started taking piano lessons, I seem to be developing a crush on Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Everytime I listen to the amazing music he composed, I can’t help but picture that little powdered wig of his bobbing up and down at a piano as he bangs out his latest…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – I wish I was a Wolf

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – I wish I was a Wolf

  Dear Darcus, I am an IT manager from Portsmouth and recently I keep being overcome by the compulsion to behave like a wolf in the office. If someone needs a new keyboard or mouse it causes me to howl loudly and if the cloud servers need rebooting that also makes me run about on…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Living with your mum

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Living with your mum

    Dear Darcus, I am a 43 year old Sales manager but I still live at home with my mum. I really want to move out but I love my mum’s cooking and she does all my laundry for me plus I don’t have to pay much board. Despite earning £60,000 a year, it…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Having dreams about team members stealing from you

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Having dreams about team members stealing from you

  Dear Darcus, Last night I dreamt that someone on my team stole a packet of fruit pastilles from my top drawer in the office. I know it was only a dream but I can’t help feeling a bit annoyed with them at work so as a result I keep getting them to do complex…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – removing petrol stains from your suit

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – removing petrol stains from your suit

  Dear Darcus, After my second written warning my boss’ new Audi mysteriously caught fire in the car-park the very next day. How do I remove petrol stains from a bespoke dove-grey pinstripe wool suit?   From Angry in Cheltenham   Dear Reader, Thanks for getting in touch! Your problem is indeed a common one…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – I want to be an Emo

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – I want to be an Emo

  Dear Darcus, I am the Managing Director of a stationery wholesaler in East Grinstead but I have secret desires to be an Emo and turn up to work looking like I don’t care about what people think of me. If I die my hair black and start wearing a dog collar with large metal spikes…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Constantly aroused in the office

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Constantly aroused in the office

  Dear Darcus, I am constantly aroused in the office. I seriously think that I could hump every single one of my colleagues – guys, girls, everyone – at once! If ever somebody asks me a completely innocent question I always give them a double entendre laden answer in response. I even got into the…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Should I tell work i’m in jail?

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Should I tell work i’m in jail?

  Dear Darcus, I am the regional manager of a double glazing company but unfortunately I got arrested after trying to jump a rickshaw I had offered £200 to take me from Soho to Dartford. I thought I’d be able to get away with it but it turns out the rickshaw driver was a kung-fu…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Lying on a CV

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Lying on a CV

  Dear Darcus, One my regional managers told me over lunch that they have recruited someone onto their team that doesn’t have GCSEs even though they said they did on their CV. Should I instruct them to fire the person in question for dishonesty?   Dear Reader, Unfortunately, the competitiveness of the job market means…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Moving to London

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Moving to London

  Dear Darcus, I’ve just moved down to London and keep seeing people in the square mile that get on the train at the same station as me in West Norwood. I keep trying to say hello to them and even waved across the street once but keeping getting ignored. What am I doing wrong?   Dear…

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