Bank of England says the new £5 note is tastier than its vegetarian alternative

Bank of England says the new £5 note is tastier than its vegetarian alternative

  The Bank of England has decided to stick to issuing plastic banknotes despite complaints from vegans and religious groups because it says they are much tastier than the vegetarian alternative.   The central bank concluded after “careful and serious consideration and extensive public consultation” that yes, whilst killing animals just so humans have something…

News , ,

FTSE 100 wobbles as Kim Jong Un claims his dad can beat up Donald Trump’s dad

FTSE 100 wobbles as Kim Jong Un claims his dad can beat up Donald Trump’s dad

  London’s FTSE 100 was nearly 1% down during morning trading as investors reacted nervously when Kim Jong Un claimed that his dad could beat up Donald Trump’s dad.   The jitters came as Pyongyang said that it’s former leader Kim Jong Il could easily beat Donald Trump’s father in an arm wrestle if either…

News , , , ,

Tesco says a plastic carrier bag is for life, not just for Christmas

Tesco says a plastic carrier bag is for life, not just for Christmas

  Tesco will stop selling its 5p plastic carrier bag at the end of the month and will encourage the use of 10p ‘bags for life’ by adopting the slogan, ‘a bag is for life, not just for Christmas.’   The retailer says that thoughtless people who purchase 5p carrier bags on a whim after…

News , ,

US Town purchased by a Marijuana company elects Afroman as Mayor

US Town purchased by a Marijuana company elects Afroman as Mayor

  A US town purchased by a company that makes marijuana products has just elected Afroman as its new mayor.   American Green recently bought the town of Nipton in California for $5m (£3.8m) and subsequently held its mayoral elections over a 4-month period because everybody that was eligible to vote got high. Chief Returning…

News , , , ,

Morris dance troupe to headline this year’s Tory Glastonbury

Morris dance troupe to headline this year’s Tory Glastonbury

  The headline act for this year’s Tory Glastonbury will be a troupe of blacked-up Morris dancers The W1nners’ Club can reveal.   The one day event being held in September will comprise four main stages namely: The Maypole Stage, The Cake Stall, The Tug-of-War and a tiny stand selling locally produced items such as…

News , , ,

FTSE 100 CEOs have to work a full 160 minutes to earn the average worker salary

FTSE 100 CEOs have to work a full 160 minutes to earn the average worker salary

  FTSE 100 CEOs have expressed shock and dismay upon finding out they have to work a whole 160 minutes to earn the average worker’s salary.   The Office for National Statistics says that average annual earnings for full-time employees in the year to April 2016 was £28,000 meaning the bosses of Britain’s top stock…

News , ,

World record Neymar transfer includes free tickets for the Eiffel Tower

World record Neymar transfer includes free tickets for the Eiffel Tower

  Neymar has agreed a world record breaking transfer to Paris Saint-Germain that is said to include free tickets up the Eiffel Tower according to a W1nners’ Club source.   Neymar decided to leave Barcelona upon being offered a deal worth nearly £450m that includes wages of £515,000 a week, bonuses, a buyout clause of…

News , , , ,

Gender equality study says men should be forced to wear high heels at work

Gender equality study says men should be forced to wear high heels at work

  Men should be forced to wear high heels at work according to researchers from The University of Aberdeen.   A recent study showed a link between wearing high heels and an increased risk of bunions, pain and injury, meaning true gender equality can only be achieved in the workplace if men stop dithering over…

News , ,

Selfridges rewrites ’12 days of Christmas’ to include 147 new items

Selfridges rewrites ’12 days of Christmas’ to include 147 new items

  Selfridges has just commissioned a rewrite of the classic Christmas song, ’12 days of Christmas’ to include 147 separate items that are currently available in stock.   The track was commissioned to mark the opening of the company’s annual festive shop this week and despite the opening verses being sung on Monday in the…

News , ,

Carlsberg Special Brew to be reclassified as Scotch Whisky after Brexit

Carlsberg Special Brew to be reclassified as Scotch Whisky after Brexit

  The UK’s trade deal with the US after Brexit may see drinks like Carlsberg Special Brew being reclassified as Scotch Whisky.   The current EU definition of whisky protects the Scottish whisky industry from sub-standard products, but that is all likely to change after the UK’s European divorce when drinks like 20/20, Thunderbirds, Kestrel…

News , , , ,