Share prices to get more devalued than Mexicans if Donald Trump wins US election

Share prices to get more devalued than Mexicans if Donald Trump wins US election

  Investors and businesses are preparing for share prices to fall lower than the future social status of illegal immigrant Mexicans if Donald Trump wins the US election.   A victory by Trump is expected to send shares into freefall and most of the major trading banks will have staff on high alert this evening…

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UK exchange rate to be determined by the size of fish fingers

UK exchange rate to be determined by the size of fish fingers

  The UK’s currency exchange rate is set to be determined by the size of fish fingers because a significant proportion of the nation’s favourite tea time snack is charged in dollars.   The recent threat by Birds Eye to start offering customers pre-fried cod fillet fish fingers in packs of 10 for the price…

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Sir Philip Green to be ruthlessly pursued for the £1 he made from the sale of BHS

Sir Philip Green to be ruthlessly pursued for the £1 he made from the sale of BHS

  The pensions regulator announced yesterday that it will be ruthlessly pursuing Sir Philip Green in an effort to force him to cough up the £1 he made from the sale of BHS.   Green sold the now defunct department store chain to serial bankrupt Dominic Chappell back in March 2015 and the regulator is…

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Admiral admit using Facebook data to price insurance premiums is a very f*cking bad idea!

Admiral admit using Facebook data to price insurance premiums is a very f*cking bad idea!

  Admiral was forced to admit yesterday that using people’s Facebook posts to set car insurance prices is a really, really bad idea.   Apart from the total and utter randomness of associating someone’s driving ability with whether or not they like to share pictures of cute kittens, or short recipe videos on how to…

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Innis & Gunn announces new ale sourced entirely from the cloud

Innis & Gunn announces new ale sourced entirely from the cloud

  Edinburgh brewer Innis & Gunn have announced the creation of a new beer made using ingredients sourced entirely from the cloud.   The company said the new ale called Sky P.A. is made from a number of, “uniquely sourced ingredients,” that have been specially brewed as part of a new drive for innovation and…

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Goldman Sachs slowly coming round to the idea $50bn is actually quite a lot of money

Goldman Sachs slowly coming round to the idea $50bn is actually quite a lot of money

  Goldman Sachs are slowly coming round to the idea that $50bn is actually quite a lot of money and tentatively agree you can’t simply say a company is worth that amount without it at least selling a few units of whatever it is they supply first.   The W1nners’ Club has been party to…

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Nissan claims, “Christianity will fade and go, we’re bigger than jesus now!”

Nissan claims, “Christianity will fade and go, we’re bigger than jesus now!”

  Nissan have made the bold claim they are more popular than Christianity in a shameless show of pre-brexit bravado.   The Japanese car manufacturer has recently been holding court with top officials including the Prime Minister as the government attempts to ensure the UK doesn’t lose production of its Bluebird model to an EU…

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Outrage in the BDSM community as BT phone boxes are replaced by Wi-Fi kiosks

Outrage in the BDSM community as BT phone boxes are replaced by Wi-Fi kiosks

  Britain’s BDSM community have been whipped into a frenzy as BT announce they will be removing the traditional red phone box from streets and replacing them with hi-tech wi-fi kiosks.   The new kiosks will provide Ultra-fast wi-fi, free calls and charging facilities for mobile phones but crucially, there will be nowhere on the…

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Mattel rolls out a different Barbie Doll for every audience imaginable

Mattel rolls out a different Barbie Doll for every audience imaginable

  Toy manufacturer Mattel has seen its share price soar after announcing plans to produce Barbie dolls that are relevant to every conceivable social group.   The launch of the new range follows two years of declining sales as little girls turn to dressing up as clowns and chasing terrified members of the public instead….

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The UK post-Brexit diet bears a more than striking resemblance to wartime rationing

The UK post-Brexit diet bears a more than striking resemblance to wartime rationing

  Britain’s post-Brexit diet will bear a striking resemblance to wartime rations unless the people that voted, ‘Leave,’ are forced to become agricultural labourers a leading farmer has claimed.   Mr. Harry Cobean grows over 100,000 carrots and potatoes on his farm near Huddersfield in West Yorkshire and says there aren’t enough British workers who…

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