Aldi claims staff are now too wealthy to ever shop at Lidl again

Aldi claims staff are now too wealthy to ever shop at Lidl again

  Aldi claims that by raising the pay of staff to £8.53 per hour, employees are now far too wealthy to be seen shopping in Lidl ever again.   Staff at the discount store will enjoy their new affluence as of February, when the rate for those employed at the company’s London stores will also…

News

Today referred to as, ‘Pleb Thursday,’ by FTSE 100 Fat Cats

Today referred to as, ‘Pleb Thursday,’ by FTSE 100 Fat Cats

  Today is officially known as, ‘Pleb Thursday,’ after FTSE 100 Chief Executives hit their first economic performance target of the year by earning more than the national average wage.   Pleb Thursday has historically always been the day after, ‘Fat Cat Wednesday,’ and is so called because it’s the first point in the year…

News ,

Tesco outrages bearded women by slashing the price of razors

Tesco outrages bearded women by slashing the price of razors

  Tesco has caused outrage among women with beards after cutting the price of female razors.   In a move intended to redress the disparity in price between male razors which cost £1 for a pack of ten, the price of female packs were slashed from £1 to 50p for a pack of five. Head…

News ,

Virgin Trains to place life jackets under seats in a bid to compete with airlines

Virgin Trains to place life jackets under seats in a bid to compete with airlines

  Virgin Trains will place life jackets under the seats on their locomotives in a bid to take on airlines for a share of the lucrative London to Edinburgh route as passenger numbers hit one million for the first time ever.   Despite never actually taking off from the ground in any way, shape or…

News ,

Upper classes ecstatic about post-brexit increase in the price of champagne

Upper classes ecstatic about post-brexit increase in the price of champagne

  Upper class drinkers rejoiced upon hearing that the price of Champagne will rise as a result of Brexit.   Despite losing their last key class identifier since the UK abolished its national pastime of going over to hot countries and shooting dark skinned people, many in society’s higher echelons feel this latest revelation presents…

News , ,

Every day to be given an extra adjective to encourage consumer spending

Every day to be given an extra adjective to encourage consumer spending

  The government is considering adding an extra adjective to every day that shops are open in a bid to encourage consumer spending.   Despite not really knowing why Black Friday is called Black Friday, or indeed why Cyber Monday has the word, ‘cyber,’ in its name, consumers nevertheless can’t seem to resist brandishing their…

News , ,

Debenhams admit medieval armour may no longer be in fashion

Debenhams admit medieval armour may no longer be in fashion

  Debenhams will sever ties with some of its ageing fashion designers in an attempt to breathe new life into its outdated reputation.   Among the ranges to be excluded from the famous department store’s offerings will be powdered wigs by Betty Jackson (67), Blunderbuss Print baseball caps by Jeff Banks (73) and woolly mammoth…

News , ,

Lloyds takes PPI mis-selling to a whole new level by purchasing MBNA for £1.9 billion

Lloyds takes PPI mis-selling to a whole new level by purchasing MBNA for £1.9 billion

  Lloyds is set to ramp up its operations in the PPI mis-selling industry by purchasing the credit card firm MBNA from Bank of America for £1.9 billion.   Despite setting aside an extra £1 billion in October for its own mis-sold PPI claims, this latest move will ensure the part state-owned bank gains an…

News , ,

‘Undelivered i-phones should be classed as works of art,’ says Apple

‘Undelivered i-phones should be classed as works of art,’ says Apple

  Apple argues undelivered i-phones should be classed as works of art in the latest twist of the tech giant’s fight over EU taxes.   The European Commission is demanding Apple pays €13 billion tax in Ireland, whilst Apple argues they should be paying taxes in the United States where the important stuff like design…

News , ,

Yahoo still reeling in shock upon finding out it has 1 billion email users

Yahoo still reeling in shock upon finding out it has 1 billion email users

  Executives at Yahoo admit they are still reeling in shock at finding out they have 1 billion active users after a colossal hack threatened the private information of customers.   Despite being made to look like the tech giant equivalent of the kid in class from the broken home who smells of wee and…

News , , ,