Harrods luxury water can be used in a multitude of ways (so it should at £80 a bottle)

Harrods luxury water can be used in a multitude of ways (so it should at £80 a bottle)

  Harrods insist their new £80 bottles of, ‘luxury water,’ have multiple uses beyond simply making dinner guests feel guilty about asking for a glass whilst choking on a bit of meat that has gone down the wrong hole.   The 750ml bottles of Svalbarði Polar Iceberg Water are harvested from icebergs in the Arctic…

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Hangovers set to increase at Lloyds of London due to lunchtime drinking ban

Hangovers set to increase at Lloyds of London due to lunchtime drinking ban

  Hangovers are set to increase exponentially at Lloyds of London after its HR department introduced a ban on lunchtime drinking.   Staff at one of London’s most historic financial institutions could face the sack if caught breaking the new rules and as a result have taken to getting pissed after work like fish that…

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‘People that buy porn also like looking at pictures of naked women,’ says Playboy

‘People that buy porn also like looking at pictures of naked women,’ says Playboy

  Playboy magazine has revealed that people who buy pornography are also more than a bit partial to looking at pictures of naked women.   The surprising revelation came to light as Playboy announced it will bring full frontal nudity back to its pages after realising that purchasing a pornographic magazine with no pictures of…

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Waitrose admit their Shepherd’s Pie doesn’t contain any trace of Shepherd meat

Waitrose admit their Shepherd’s Pie doesn’t contain any trace of Shepherd meat

    Waitrose have admitted their Shepherd’s Pie doesn’t contain even the slightest trace of shepherd meat.   More than 4,200 people labelled, ‘Waitrose British Shepherd’s Pie,’ which is made with New Zealand Lamb as, ‘unacceptable,’ and, ‘a lie,’ in a recent poll conducted on Twitter. Waitrose’ Head of Product Packaging Mr. Reg Retail-Pryce said,…

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Arsene Wenger considering a move to join Royal Bank of Scotland

Arsene Wenger considering a move to join Royal Bank of Scotland

    Royal Bank of Scotland announced its ninth consecutive year of multi-billion pound losses which means the only thing in the universe that has been associated with the colour red for a longer period of time is Arsene Wenger.   The state owned bank managed to rack up losses of £2.5 billion in the…

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“Shoplifting is our national pastime!” say Australian supermarket customers

“Shoplifting is our national pastime!” say Australian supermarket customers

  Australian retailer Coles is limiting the amount of items customers can scan at their self-service tills after 22,000 shoplifters got caught in the past 12 months.   Despite a few Australians expressing shock and dismay at the recent crime wave, the vast majority claim such criminality should be respected as a cultural tradition alongside beating…

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Twitter clamps down on internet trolls in a bid to silence Trump

Twitter clamps down on internet trolls in a bid to silence Trump

  Twitter has announced it will expand its efforts to protect users from abuse and harassment, by trying to get President Trump’s account suspended.   The social media platform has come under fire recently for failing to address hate and abuse since its founding a decade ago and its reputation as a free speech haven…

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“We’re not a f*cking haulage company!” says Ryanair to customers

“We’re not a f*cking haulage company!” says Ryanair to customers

  Ryanair says its customers have completely taken the piss of late by taking advantage of its relaxed attitude to hand luggage.   The budget airline has been infamous in the past for viewing customers as nothing more than an unfortunate hindrance in an otherwise enjoyable and highly profitable business operation. Ryanair’s Head of Customer…

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Post-Brexit Sterling to resemble Battle Cat from He-Man

Post-Brexit Sterling to resemble Battle Cat from He-Man

      The Bank of America predicts the post-Brexit Pound will stop cowering in the corner like a timid kitten to undergo a miraculous transformation like Cringer from He-Man.   Despite being the foreign exchange equivalent of a mangy moggy that has been abandoned by its owners and left to fend for itself in…

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Deutsche Bank takes out full page newspaper adverts to apologise for getting caught

Deutsche Bank takes out full page newspaper adverts to apologise for getting caught

  Deutsche Bank has apologised to the German people for getting caught mis-selling toxic sub-prime mortgage securities and allowing dodgy Russians to use it as a money laundering service.   The largest bank in Germany purchased a full page advert in 10 of the country’s largest circulating newspaper titles – although it’s unclear whether the…

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