US tech company that microchips employees won’t seek to have them neutered

US tech company that microchips employees won’t seek to have them neutered

  A tech company has announced it is the first business in the US to use microchips for employees, but has promised not to get staff neutered or spayed to make them less aggressive.   Three Square Market from Wisconsin is offering to microchip everyone that works in the company and will reward staff that…

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Boots: “cheap contraceptives promote devil worship and the enjoyment of rap music”

Boots: “cheap contraceptives promote devil worship and the enjoyment of rap music”

  Boots has said that allowing women to buy cheap contraceptives encourages devil worship and the enjoyment of rap music.   The pharmaceutical company claims that any reduction in the cost of one of its morning after pill brands will simply encourage women to start regularly engaging in sexual intercourse whilst listening to DMX in…

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Pound is now lower than Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France race strategy

Pound is now lower than Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France race strategy

  The pound has lost so much value since last year’s Brexit vote that it is now rumoured to be lower than Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France race strategy.   British holidaymakers faced one of the worst exchange rates on record this weekend, with the pound falling so fast that simply saying the word ‘pound’…

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TSB customers with glass eyes express concern over iris recognition technology

TSB customers with glass eyes express concern over iris recognition technology

  TSB customers with glass eyes have expressed their outrage at the bank’s plan to introduce iris recognition as a way of unlocking its online banking app.   TSB customers will be able to use their phone’s built-in iris scanner to log into their account by glancing at their phone instead of inputting an ID…

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Rail operators take the monumental step of referring to late trains as ‘late’

Rail operators take the monumental step of referring to late trains as ‘late’

  Britain’s rail companies have finally agreed to engage the full power of the English language and take the gargantuan step of referring to late trains as ‘late.’   In an overhaul of the semantic gerrymandering that was previously endemic in the rail industry, trains that turn up on time will no longer be referred…

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Audi says women are not like used cars because they don’t get any cheaper with age

Audi says women are not like used cars because they don’t get any cheaper with age

  Audi has stated unequivocally that it does not think women are like used cars because it says they don’t get any cheaper with age.   The auto manufacturer has been criticised for an advert in China that compares buying a car to finding a wife and shows a woman having her nose, ears and…

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Ashley Madison unable to award compensation in case partners find out

Ashley Madison unable to award compensation in case partners find out

  Infidelity website Ashley Madison is unable to pay compensation to victims of its recent hacking scandal because the vast majority of them fear getting found out by their partners.   Millions of members had their personal details stolen when the site’s data was breached and despite offering out $11 million in compensation, most users…

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Easyjet boss makes an ironic pledge to start her new job as Head of ITV ‘without delay’

Easyjet boss makes an ironic pledge to start her new job as Head of ITV ‘without delay’

  Easyjet Chief Executive Carolyn McCall has announced that she will step down from her current role to take up a position as the new Head of ITV.   Despite the TV channel’s former boss leaving in June of this year, it is thought that Ms. McCall won’t be taking up her new position until…

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Ryanair cancelling UK-EU flights will make absolutely no difference to journey times

Ryanair cancelling UK-EU flights will make absolutely no difference to journey times

  Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary told the European parliament that the cancellation of flights between the UK and EU will make absolutely no difference to journey times.   Despite Heathrow being deserted, summer holidays cancelled and aircraft being moved to Europe as a result of Brexit, Ryanair flights have historically landed so far away from…

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Samsung execs admit never buying magic mushrooms and going to the Dogstar in Brixton

Samsung execs admit never buying magic mushrooms and going to the Dogstar in Brixton

  Samsung executives admitted yesterday to never having bought a bag of magic mushrooms from a dodgy bloke on Brixton High Street and ending up in the Dogstar until 5am.   An arm of the technology giant has elected not to set up its European headquarters in London because the city is “not a fun…

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