Ryanair cancelling UK-EU flights will make absolutely no difference to journey times

Ryanair cancelling UK-EU flights will make absolutely no difference to journey times

  Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary told the European parliament that the cancellation of flights between the UK and EU will make absolutely no difference to journey times.   Despite Heathrow being deserted, summer holidays cancelled and aircraft being moved to Europe as a result of Brexit, Ryanair flights have historically landed so far away from…

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Samsung execs admit never buying magic mushrooms and going to the Dogstar in Brixton

Samsung execs admit never buying magic mushrooms and going to the Dogstar in Brixton

  Samsung executives admitted yesterday to never having bought a bag of magic mushrooms from a dodgy bloke on Brixton High Street and ending up in the Dogstar until 5am.   An arm of the technology giant has elected not to set up its European headquarters in London because the city is “not a fun…

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Spotify ‘fake artists’ to embark on a 52 date world tour

Spotify ‘fake artists’ to embark on a 52 date world tour

  Spotify has announced that its ‘fake artists’ will soon embark on a 52 date world tour.   The ‘Sleep and Ambient Chill’ tour is said to be a first for the music industry because none of the advertised gigs will actually take place – principally because the artists that will be performing don’t actually…

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The Full English breakfast to be sold on hire purchase after Brexit

The Full English breakfast to be sold on hire purchase after Brexit

  The price of a Full English Breakfast may increase so sharply if the UK government doesn’t agree a trade deal with the EU, that shoppers may be forced to purchase their fry ups on hire purchase.   Despite being about as English as Nigel Farage’s ancestral line, the inaccurately named Full English Breakfast is…

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Tour operators claim fake diarrhoea is killing their industry

Tour operators claim fake diarrhoea is killing their industry

  Travel industry bosses claim fake diarrhoea is killing their industry after a recent surge in bogus food poisoning claims.   They warn that British tourists could be banned from some resorts if people insist on claiming the obligatory ‘dickie tummy on holiday’ is a result of food poisoning rather than consuming enough alcohol to…

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EU negotiators to wear Geisha girl outfits in the next round of Brexit talks

EU negotiators to wear Geisha girl outfits in the next round of Brexit talks

  European Union negotiators are expected to attend the next round of Brexit talks wearing Geisha girl outfits after signing a trade deal with Japan.   The dressing up of senior EU officials in kimonos and Nihongami wigs is said to be a key clause in the political agreement that seeks to engender greater cross-cultural…

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Jeremy Corbyn slams Glastonbury for placing bands on zero hours contracts

Jeremy Corbyn slams Glastonbury for placing bands on zero hours contracts

  Jeremy Corbyn has lambasted the organisers of Glastonbury Music Festival for placing the bands on zero hours contracts.   The Labour leader appeared on stage at last month’s event to perform tracks from his new album entitled: “UK Grime Minister,” whilst taking the opportunity to speak about employment rights for multi-millionaire international rock stars….

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Superdrug boosts its profits by selling the contents of Kim Kardashian’s make up bag

Superdrug boosts its profits by selling the contents of Kim Kardashian’s make up bag

  Superdrug has delivered strong annual profit increases after selling the contents of Kim Kardashian’s make up bag on ebay.   Pre-tax profits at the retailer rose 41% to £80.4m in the 53 weeks to 31 December 2016, after the company sold the reality TV star’s belongings when she left them at the Superdrug offices…

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Sports Direct staff face disciplinary action for not turning up to work drunk

Sports Direct staff face disciplinary action for not turning up to work drunk

  Sports Direct staff face disciplinary action for not turning up to work drunk as a result of the company’s pledge to modernise its employee management procedures.   Bonuses will also be awarded to staff members that achieve certain key performance targets as a result of drunkenness in the workplace and CEO Mike Ashley has…

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Weetabix currently detained by New Zealand authorities in the ‘Maize’ prison

Weetabix currently detained by New Zealand authorities in the ‘Maize’ prison

  The New Zealand authorities have offered to release a shipment of Weetabix after barley a week in jail if they agree to call off their green revolution.   The 300 boxes have been detained indefinitely in the Maize prison under New Zealand’s strict anti-terra laws that allows for the threshing of detainees under irrigation….

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