Robert Mugabe offers to help out with Brexit trade negotiations

Robert Mugabe offers to help out with Brexit trade negotiations

  Former Zimbabwean President Mr. Robert Mugabe has offered to assist with Britain’s trade talks in the next round of Brexit negotiations.   The ageing ex-dictator is said to be looking for a new project to undertake now that he has a lot more time on his hands since leaving office and Zimbabwean officials have…

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Clubs ‘shamed’ for not paying the minimum £50k a week footballer wages

Clubs ‘shamed’ for not paying the minimum £50k a week footballer wages

  Three Scottish football clubs have been “named and shamed” for paying their players less than the universally recognised minimum footballer wages of £50,000 per week.   Motherwell, Greenock Morton and Falkirk were on a list of employers that have been outed for not paying the minimum wage that a professional footballer needs in order…

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Former Volkswagen executive somehow keeps passing prison drug tests

Former Volkswagen executive somehow keeps passing prison drug tests

  A former Volkswagen executive sentenced to seven years in prison as a result of the diesel emissions scandal somehow manages to pass all the drug tests inside.   Oliver Schmidt is the second person to be imprisoned in the US over the diesel emissions scandal and fellow prisoners have complained that he often wanders…

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Next men’s underwear to be sold at Tesco deli counters

Next men’s underwear to be sold at Tesco deli counters

  Tesco is set to start selling Next men’s underwear at its deli counters in an attempt to woo in-store customers who may be in desperate need of a change of pants.   Britain’s largest supermarket chain recently struck a deal with the high-street fashion brand to use the extra space in its larger stores,…

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Morrisons chicken and mushroom pie has had all the fish bones removed

Morrisons chicken and mushroom pie has had all the fish bones removed

  Morrisons has confirmed that its “Traditional Chicken and Mushroom Pie” always has the fish bones removed during the production process.   The Food Standards Agency says that the supermarket’s pies are a possible health risk for anyone that has an allergy to mustard and/or fish, but Morrisons has said that the chicken and mushroom…

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“Stop polluting the oceans with plastic you f*cking idiots!” say marine animals

“Stop polluting the oceans with plastic you f*cking idiots!” say marine animals

  Marine animals have issued a statement to the United Nations that unequivocally states humans should, ‘stop polluting the oceans with plastic you f*cking idiots!’   The statement was made in light of a UN resolution that has no timetable and is not legally binding, so marine animals have taken it upon themselves to tell…

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Brexit still means Brexit which now means something completely different to Brexit

Brexit still means Brexit which now means something completely different to Brexit

  The government has confirmed that Brexit still means Brexit, but the new Brexit may appear to resemble something completely different to what one would immediately recognise as being Brexit.   As talks on the issue of the Northern Irish border with the Republic of Ireland stalled once again, the government is keen to reassure…

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Kids demand broccoli for breakfast after reduction in Kellogg’s cereal sugar content

Kids demand broccoli for breakfast after reduction in Kellogg’s cereal sugar content

  Kids have been demanding broccoli for breakfast in their droves after Kellogg’s announced it will cut the amount of sugar in its top selling children’s cereals next year.   The little mites have expressed dismay at the fact that their generation is the first in human history that will have to endure breakfast times…

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Vince Cable says the government should issue vindaloo visas and poppadum passes

Vince Cable says the government should issue vindaloo visas and poppadum passes

  Vince Cable has called for the government to issue vindaloo visas and poppadum passes so that people of his age can obtain free access to a decent curry now and again.   The Liberal Democrat leader used a speech at the British Curry Awards to back the move to get more retired people eating…

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Toblerone signs a deal to be featured in the next series of Twin Peaks

Toblerone signs a deal to be featured in the next series of Twin Peaks

  The producers of Twin Peaks have announced that they have signed a product placement deal that will feature Toblerone in the new series of the Mystery drama television show.   Toblerone’s specially made, ‘Twin Peaks’ chocolate bar that was designed especially for the new series, will sell for just £1 and will be available…

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