Burger King stages a military coup to become supreme leader of Belgium

Burger King stages a military coup to become supreme leader of Belgium

  Burger King has staged a military coup and illegally crowned itself supreme leader of Belgium.   The food chain initially attempted to seize power through democratic means by asking Belgians to vote online to “crown” either the country’s king or the global fast-food giant the true ruler of the country. Burger King’s Head of…

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British Airways says its IT system will no longer be susceptible to power failures

British Airways says its IT system will no longer be susceptible to power failures

  British Airways has said that upgrades to its IT system will make it less susceptible to power failures in the future.   The airline claims to be “much closer to full operational capacity than at any point over the last few days” which is a bit like claiming to be on the last leg…

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Notice of disciplinary meeting – Supermarket Shelf Stacker

Notice of disciplinary meeting – Supermarket Shelf Stacker

  Date 26/05/2017   Dear Lucifer, I am writing to tell you that you are required to attend a disciplinary meeting on Monday morning at 9am which is to be held in my office. At this meeting the question of disciplinary action against you, in accordance with the Company Disciplinary Procedure, will be considered with…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – I want to be an Emo

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – I want to be an Emo

  Dear Darcus, I am the Managing Director of a stationery wholesaler in East Grinstead but I have secret desires to be an Emo and turn up to work looking like I don’t care about what people think of me. If I die my hair black and start wearing a dog collar with large metal spikes…

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Spend your notice period turning the CEO’s picture into Super Smash Bros characters

Spend your notice period turning the CEO’s picture into Super Smash Bros characters

  It feels great doesn’t it? The knowledge that all of this will be over in a few weeks now that you’ve handed in your notice. The biggest problem you have to overcome now, is what to do with all the spare time you have during work hours until your glorious last day. Only a…

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You’ve just been sacked………why not become an RAF fighter pilot?

You’ve just been sacked………why not become an RAF fighter pilot?

  So, you are now sans emploi, Zonder een baan, Senza lavoro, ohne Arbeit, sin empleo or as we say to people that have just been sacked from The W1nners’ Club – without a job. The coming months will be fraught with difficulty as you gradually scale back on things like Fitness First or Virgin…

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The 8 filthiest songs to play during work hours on your computer speakers

The 8 filthiest songs to play during work hours on your computer speakers

  Playing a bit of music in the workplace is as much a part of working life as cigarette breaks and hangovers. It’s important however, that the music you play on your desktop speakers is relevant for the type of people that work in your office. Here at The W1nners’ Club, half our staff get…

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Daimler Chrysler merger fails due to cultural differences

Daimler Chrysler merger fails due to cultural differences

  Back in May 1998, the top brass at car giants Daimler-Benz and Chrysler announced the biggest cross-border merger in industrial history. The rationale at the time was quite clear. Chrysler languishing in third place in the Detroit Big Three, was struggling to maintain its productivity and world standing.  The more prestigious Daimler Benz on…

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Gin to be used as a mixer for Fever Tree Tonic Water

Gin to be used as a mixer for Fever Tree Tonic Water

  Fever Tree Tonic Water is now so valuable that gin will be used as the mixer in drinks that contain it going forward.   A thimble full of the stuff is said to be worth more than its equivalent weight in unicorn tears, fairy saliva and dodo droppings according to a recent financial study. Fever…

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Ikea tries to self-assemble its new Chief Executive

Ikea tries to self-assemble its new Chief Executive

  Ikea has tried to self-assemble its new Chief Executive rather than bring someone in from outside the company.   Despite being given assurances that the instructions would be easy to follow, the new Chief Executive has thus far proven a less-than-flattering advert for the furniture store’s flatpack self-assembly USP. IKEA’s Head of Flatpack Assembly…

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